Last week BikeRumor reported that a maniac is on the loose in New York City, setting bear traps for unsuspecting hipsters. Well one hipster (who has decided to withhold his name for legal reasons) has, in the words of, I think it was Boutros Boutros-Ghali, “had all he can stand and he can’t stands no more.” We’ll call this anonymous hipster “Chandler.” Chandler has decided to arm himself and take it to the Hipster Trapper. His weapon of choice: the Hiplok wearable bike lock. It’s basically a gigantic chain that has been designed to wrap around one’s body in a more ergonomic fashion than your average…gigantic chain. While many people have realized that the hipster traps are a joke and that the bear trap is, in fact, made out of cardboard, this has not phased Chandler; he is hell bent on the destruction of the Hipster Trapper. “The hella-sweet thing about the Hiplok is that I don’t need to carry a bag, ’cause when I find this dude I’m gonna mess him up, and a bag really throws off my balance…totally inhibits my sick Muay Thai moves dude. Also, the weight sits directly on my hips, taking the strain off my back and shoulders, making me more stable. Stable for performing sick Muay Thai moves.”
Chandler will likely be forced to hop a lot of curbs, run up some stairs, and maybe do some leg-over barspins in his pursuit of the Hipster Trapper. “My bike will be easier to maneuver ’cause I won’t have a lock rattling around on my frame and weighing it down” he says. “The fact that the Hiplok doesn’t scratch my frame or spoil the lines of my machine doesn’t hurt either.” The Hiplok is available with a large 3M reflective logo, it is the only lock on the market with this type of reflective detailing to help the rider be more visible at night, but Chandler isn’t concerned with safety, he’s concerned with…not-safety. “This is a seriously strong piece of hardened steel and it is quickly removable, so I can take it off and whack somebody with it…quickly.” The “quickly removable” feature actually plays into the safety thing. A stock bicycle chain is locked around your body, while the Hiplok is removable in an emergency situation. (Like an emergency situation where you’ve crashed and bruised your kidneys because you had a lock hanging around your waist.)
Another advantage the Hiplok has over your standard U-lock is that it can be worn with any outfit, as Chandler explains: “Ya, I mean a small lock in my back pocket is okay if I wear the right jeans and ride the right bike every day, and like…I wear the rights jeans and ride the right bike every day, but if I chose not to…not that I’d ever do that, I could still use the Hiplok — it’s compatible with all types of bikes and outfits. That’s the definition of freedom to me. Actually, I think that’s what all that hype in Libya is about, people want the freedom to ride different bikes and wear different outfits every day.”
Chandler also finds the locking circumference of the Hiplok superior to that of any other lock: “Hell yeah dude, check this: when I find the Hipster Trapper, and I will find him dude, I am gonna lock him to a parking meter so I can go all Jack Bauer on him, and I’m also gonna lock my bike to the meter so no one ganks it while I’m punching him in the sternum and threatening to cut his eyelids off. You just couldn’t do that with some dinky little D-lock. Damn, Hiplok should use that as their slogan…it just flows.”
Hiplok: Because a normal lock doesn’t allow you to lock someone to a parking meter while you go all Jack Bauer on him, and simultaneously lock your bike to the same meter so no one ganks it while you’re punching the dude in the sternum and threatening to cut his eyelids off.
Instructional photo sequence after the break.
